"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

I have to make the disclaimer that it is raw and perhaps emotional if you have ever been challenged to trust a power beyond your own. This is not my normal homestead, animal or flower post. I wrote it in a dark and difficult season of my life.

I have been sitting on this post for nearly a year.

I have been asked a lot why I want this homestead life - the animals, (now) the flowers, the garden, all of the extra work after work. I never answer with complete honestly. Usually I say I just love it and smile. But here is the truth - it simply brings me joy, but it also has been very healing. I feel joy being cultivated when I watch new life come to the farm, when I hug a donkey or a goat, when I collect eggs, when a seed becomes a plant that we later get to eat. Then there are those flowers. I hope that when you come to the end of this you will understand that my 'why' has had to adjust given my own life circumstances.

For a little over a year now (at this posting two years) we have tried to conceive. We knew waiting to get married we would be in our 40s, but we believed our healthy lifestyle would buy us time. We did not think that now two years into this we would be without children and the family we are desperate to have. It has been a hard season for sure, but we have had so many blessings to bring some light into the darkness. I heard on a podcast just the other day that it is important to be grateful for the struggle because that is where we grow.  That is where I am now...trying to grow, bloom, and thrive from a place of deep sadness and if I am honest shame.  Shame because this is what women are supposed to right? Provide their husbands with children? Shame every time someone asks when we are going to have kids. Shame every time someone gives advice assuming we haven't tried everything.

It has been a very isolating time as far as my social life is concerned. If I didn't have the farm I am not sure where I would be. The Lord blessed us five years ago with this donkey business opportunity in preparation for the struggle that would come. It has not only provided us with income necessary to cover some of the costs of this journey, but also has helped us to survive the heartache. It has led us to the way we want to live- sustainably and self sufficient a little bit at a time. What I feel has been the most healing is the personal and spiritual growth I have experienced. I no longer feel as those this is happening to me, but for me, for us. I do believe that God's timing is perfect and I am putting all of my faith, hope, and eggs in his basket (pun intended).

Several times a year we get to be excited by something new on the farm. Last year Aretha, the first donkey ever bred and born on this farm was pregnant with her first babe. Watching that little love on the ultrasound made my heart burst with joy. Being present for all of Lizzie's birth in February was one of the most memorable farm experiences to date. Watching flowers bloom from seeds I started this year reminded me of the miracles that God provides to us when we seek his support. It provides solace in what can easily be hopelessness.

When I am outside in my garden I can reflect on the hard stuff and it is a lovely sanctuary to be in when the hard stuff seems overwhelming. There is constant life blooming in a flower garden.  The unique thing about flowers is the healing that continues even after harvest. The joy it brings me when I am heavy with emotion, anxiety or stress. The joy it brings my friends when I brings them a spontaneous bouquet. Life has hard moments for everyone and in my humble opinion all of this farm stuff brings joy to people on some level, but the flowers have a longer lasting effect.

So what seems like so many years ago when we talked about our dreams living on a homestead, doing all of the homestead things we thought that we would have a little family by now. We never imagined we would spend so many holidays in tears, holding each other and each feeling like we have failed the other. We truly believed that all of this farm stuff would be happening with babies in carriers or in strollers right next to us. Yelling at toddlers not to eat compost or walk on seedlings. A life where we would grow our food and in return be caretakers of the soil that helped provide it. We have had to be flexible and adjust through our sadness. People that grow flowers often use the phrase cultivating joy and that is completely the truth. Flowers unlike the fruits and vegetables have this magical way of making anyone feel joy even in the moments when things feel the most dark.

Lately it feels like literally everyone around me is getting pregnant. Like literally. Just Friday I was in the restroom at work and I heard another teacher announce she was pregnant. I mean seriously in the restroom! I literally see bumps EVERYWHERE! In the past it has felt like punishment. But then I realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. These are the moments that God has intended for me to grow so that I am ready to be a mother again. And as Gabby Bernstein always says when we see the things we hope for in others, it is driftwood telling us that our miracles are on the way. In the meantime the flowers, the farm, the animals babies are keeping me hopeful and joyful.

If you know someone going through a similar journey try not to ask them about what the journey. Instead show them some extra love and maybe give them some flowers! We will have those available in the spring!

"And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love. "  1 Corinthians 13:13